So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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