An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
