today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
