I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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