Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
