new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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