non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
