U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
