I don't usually arrange sex via text message
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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