I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
