Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
