we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
