your thong is hanging out like whoa
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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