I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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