remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
