I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
