i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
