and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
