My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
