??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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