I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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