Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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