he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
