I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
