I wish I only lived at night.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You need a sexual gate keeper
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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