I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
