i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Houston, we have a squirter
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
