Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
