The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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