My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
