I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I wear drunk well.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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