Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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