Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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