I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
