we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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