Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
