so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
