meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize