i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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