God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize