Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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