Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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