Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Green mimosas i think yes
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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