Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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