dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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