totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
