No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
