I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
