Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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