he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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