So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I got inside last night via doggy door
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
