I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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