im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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