this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
