I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
