those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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